I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The uberlube is also flammable
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
