I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
