your parents love me but you hate me
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
