dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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