I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
