My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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