Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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