Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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