Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
