your parents love me but you hate me
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize