I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
