Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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