I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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