Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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