I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
