3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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