Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
