my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So. Much. Porn.
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