at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
