True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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