I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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