She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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