If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
