I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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