Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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