I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
