of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
