dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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