i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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