Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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