she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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