she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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