I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
