Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
