his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
