I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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