I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
