Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
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I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
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I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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