Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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