his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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