I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
