peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
