Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
