everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize