could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
