I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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