ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
