i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
