I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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