Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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