She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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