Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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