Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
