just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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