Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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