I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
