Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
