Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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